It is pretty depressing around me all the time? This is the thought that came to me when I read my blog posts once. Well not really. I am the most happiest person on the planet - or so I like to believe. I do have a tendency to spread love and happiness, and at least try to make an effort. I smile easily.
Then why the depressive posts? I just need to vent, I like to be real. When I say real, it means being in the present, feeling, crying, laughing, singing, cooking, breathing in every smell, you know like the smell of the air, when it is about to rain, or the smell of garlic roasted in butter, or the smell of some people - my favorite people. It could be simple things that make me happy. Really happy.
But then, I feel the void - of not being cared for enough. Maybe it stems from the fact that the feeling of having been lost began with the day when I was born - it stemmed out, grew its roots, leaves, and now, it stands within me as a huge tree, its shadows swaying with every gust of wind.
For my first birthday after our wedding, I being the romantic one expected a gift, a sweet wish, and a hug. Not the diamond girl, I don't like them. But instead, I got to hear, "You have celebrated your birthdays all your life, let's see what happens if you don't celebrate one this year." I did not know how to react to it. I still don't know what made him say that. But six years into the marriage, if I still have to think of it, and feel the same stab of pain and disappointment, it should have been really bad.
But this was expected. Every time I have brought this up, or any other disdainful thought up, love blooms, and it then goes back to normal. I stop trying to change, or to even ask for a change - it is not within him to know. There are poets who died wishing for eternal love. Am I going the same way? I am not celebrated as a poet, but in my head, I am a good one.
I wish it would change. I wish it could stop lunging me, deep within my heart. I wish it would not fall as tears, unwelcome at most times. I wish, I could make it all go away - like sweeping white marks off my tap, they are where water has been, leaving the residues behind...I wish, I could just wish to be happy.
I could go on wishing, right? I could go on...
Then why the depressive posts? I just need to vent, I like to be real. When I say real, it means being in the present, feeling, crying, laughing, singing, cooking, breathing in every smell, you know like the smell of the air, when it is about to rain, or the smell of garlic roasted in butter, or the smell of some people - my favorite people. It could be simple things that make me happy. Really happy.
But then, I feel the void - of not being cared for enough. Maybe it stems from the fact that the feeling of having been lost began with the day when I was born - it stemmed out, grew its roots, leaves, and now, it stands within me as a huge tree, its shadows swaying with every gust of wind.
For my first birthday after our wedding, I being the romantic one expected a gift, a sweet wish, and a hug. Not the diamond girl, I don't like them. But instead, I got to hear, "You have celebrated your birthdays all your life, let's see what happens if you don't celebrate one this year." I did not know how to react to it. I still don't know what made him say that. But six years into the marriage, if I still have to think of it, and feel the same stab of pain and disappointment, it should have been really bad.
But this was expected. Every time I have brought this up, or any other disdainful thought up, love blooms, and it then goes back to normal. I stop trying to change, or to even ask for a change - it is not within him to know. There are poets who died wishing for eternal love. Am I going the same way? I am not celebrated as a poet, but in my head, I am a good one.
I wish it would change. I wish it could stop lunging me, deep within my heart. I wish it would not fall as tears, unwelcome at most times. I wish, I could make it all go away - like sweeping white marks off my tap, they are where water has been, leaving the residues behind...I wish, I could just wish to be happy.
I could go on wishing, right? I could go on...
2 comments:
This is why I've stopped expecting..
Life is confusing sometimes.. :(
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